Online Life Owners

Congratulations. You were selected for a new telemarketing job without even applying. Your friend’s profile page, which looks like a blog, provided content of you, your family, and friends into a company server for free. Free is the keyword. You don’t need to thank your friends, as they don’t even realize they provided this service for you. Your friends and family entered your information with just a quick click because they were prompted to do so.

Worried your birthday was entered incorrectly? That’s OK, because your mom will correct your birth date when she signs up with the company and tells us she’s your mother. Your parents will let the company know where they’re living and where you used to live. Your brother will inform the company of your entire extended family. Did you leave your alma mater blank? No problem, the company already knows where you went to school because your best friend already entered your information from their iphone. In fact, your friend, who just became Mayor of the Starbucks on 5th and Main Street, told us where you’re eating dinner tonight. And where you are at this very minute.

But wait, there’s more. Friends and family will upload photos of you, your kids, meal, car, license plate, street, home and even your dog. Your friends will even tag your name to the photo. If you’re lucky, no boundaries Batman will upload a photo of you during a routine doctors visit. See SNL Batman Digital Short video below.

Think your strict online privacy settings will prevent you from telemarketing? Not a problem. Just because your mom can’t see what you’ve been doing doesn’t mean it’s not there. The company has your entire life and information stored on their server. Forever.

Now you can get advertising targeted specifically for you based on the personal data that’s been disguised as a profile page. Online advertisers will send you the right ads even though you’re still in the closet but don’t worry, we won’t tell your mom. We’ll let her figure it out by the types of ads we send her.

And that’s not all. If you deactivate your account, friends can still tag and invite you to events because you will still be in our database. That’s right, folks… we’re so dedicated to owning your life on our server that even if you delete your information…your friends will still provide us with a window into your life.

Disclosure: The keyword ‘free’ in the first paragraph means…I do not expect networks to work for free, I would just rather pay a fee to have more control and privacy over my own content. is a good example.

One last thing, should you decide to delete your own personal life….we’re keeping photos of your children because we’re creepy. And we know where you live.

About Michele

Michele: Blog owner since 2006, online content since my Commodore 64.


  1. Paranoia doesn’t set in until you pass the six figure mark.
    Ironically, friends still respect phone numbers. But maybe that’s because no one actually talks on the phone anymore.

  2. Seems incredibly paranoid for someone who is only being watched by several tens of thousands of strangers.

Follow me on