I watched a woman charge over $100 at the movie theatre concession stand on Saturday. She appeared to be, as my father would say, buying champagne on a beer budget. I began wondering about her financial policy…what’s her credit card interest rate, does she exercise, her future health care costs compared to a gym membership, she could have bought running shoes for less, the candy wrappers going into our soil, paying to dispose of those wrappers, how long will it take her to pay off the movie concession charge, does she pay the minimum balance, has she accrued a high maintenance-coffee-drink-habit debt, and will the government have to bail out those Kit Kats she just bought?
It could have been her son’s birthday, which we’ll forgive, if so, there were a lot of others having the same junk food party. Nonetheless, the woman bought a lot of crap. A lot of crap that should be taxed.
Americans buy a lot of crap. They buy crap to replace broken crap. They buy crap to replace crappy feelings. They buy crap as temporary baby sitters. They buy crap for someone else because it’s the thought of buying crap that counts. They buy magazines explaining how to organize crap. They buy crap to store crap. Watch reality shows on making crap, eliminating crap and living among too much crap. In fact, crap is so out of hand…there are now 12 step programs for people who possess so much crap that their clapper has probably long since crapped out.
Now it’s time for Crap Friday (Black Friday)… the day millions of Americans go shopping for discounted crap. It’s the day you may or may not get trampled on while running towards a display of manly objects that no man really wants. Seriously ladies… no man wants another multi-tool, worthless golf ball gadget or a new tie rack. Besides, didn’t you know some five-year-old made that golf ball gadget? And is probably sleeping on the floor of a rat infested sweatshop somewhere. Thanks to your crappy purchase (that your husband hates) you kept a crappy boss in business. Yes, child labor laws exist, like the U.S. laws on prostitution and drugs. Women…do yourself a favor…save yourself the credit card interest and give your man the hottest gift of 2010…. a free TSA body inspection.
Sadly, American children are living in homeless shelters while other mom’s are buying 10 pound boxes of chocolate at Costco. Since no one wants to look a homeless child in the eye and explain why chocolate and Wii Consoles are not luxury items, I propose a new sales tax. It’s called the I Don’t Give A Crap Tax.
I say we add an additional 20% sales tax on goods that are imported, unnecessary, non-biodegradable, has excess packaging, candy… also known as…crap. For counterbalance, give a tax break on goods that are recycled, biodegradable, organic, local farmers, etc to maintain consumer spending and promote U.S. productivity. This would hopefully reduce the need of government organizations to babysit crap developers and increase focus on positive organizations.
All opposing consumers will receive a bio-degradable educational bookmark that reads… “Hey, shouldn’t you be at the dollar store increasing your credit card debt supporting illegal five-year-old Chinese workers producing plastic lead based paint crap that needs to be shipped here to make kids lazy, ungrateful and ADHD? Crap you will throw away but continue to pay interest on? Which will eventually become your defaulted crap debt, then bank defaulted debt, then defaulted debt by the very Government that you call inadequate?” On the other side it will read “I fought taxes and all I got was this lousy bookmark.” Hey, just trying to represent.
If the deficit is out of hand, we can’t afford to educate the public on the correlation of spending and debt (or should I say…it’s clearly not working), then let’s get America’s attention the old fashion way…their wallet. Let’s teach them at the register by explaining why a plastic bird feeder costs more than a wooden bird feeder. For example:
Customer: “Why is the plastic bird feeder, that was made in China, more expensive than the American made wooden bird feeder?”
Cashier: “Because it isn’t biodegradable, it’s imported which means it will probably be recalled due to illegal toxins which forces the government to spend money on organizational research on the effects plastic and toxins have on your child’s attention span which increases health care costs, you might default on the credit card that you’re using, the feeder was made illegally by a 5 year-old in a third world country, and because the what-the-hell-do-you-really-need a bird feeder for anyway tax is added to the price.”
See? It’s win-win. We’ll save our planet or we’ll reduce the deficit by the new crap revenue from the very people who just don’t give a crap. Of course, this assumes no one confuses the Crap Tax with a junk bond and the government actually applies the revenue to the deficit.
UPDATE: This free-flow rant was written after a Thanksgiving dinner. Possibly during a sugar crash.
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