Not Necessarily Humorous 2011 News Headlines

The movie Sixteen Candles taught me a great policy.  It’s better to be a smart-ass rather than a dumb-ass.  If you begin to feel lightheaded or irritated from this post…I hear a good hour of reality T.V. will make it go away.

The dumb-asses taught it’s best to follow jokes with disclaimers… I’m not a doctor so if you’re feeling lightheaded or irritated.. seek professional medical help right away.  Not sure why a professional who read a book is better than a non-professional with experience but I’m sure it’s something to do with taxes so the government can hire other people to tell other people to do a study and then tell other people to tell us what to do when we feel lightheaded.  Was that confusing?  And to think I left out half the flowchart.

Anyway, since it’s the time of year to reflect on last year and predict the next, I’m throwing out some not really humorous news headlines and stories for 2011.  Actually, fake, depressing and pathetic headlines might be a better description.  To my knowledge, none of the following news stories have happened, however, some may be based on facts.  But I’m not really sure.  Really.

• Visa and MasterCard lay off 10,000 employees then ask for bailout due to 2010 hacks.
• Warren Buffett buys MasterCard Visa.
• US Government files anti-trust lawsuit against Berkshire Hathaway for monopolizing credit card industry.
• New study finds increased divorce rate correlated to smartphones.Counseling smartphone apps increase by 100% first quarter.
• According to Facebook updates, Americans are unhappy & say US Government isn’t doing enough.
• Study finds humans ability to recognize irony is declining.
• UK reduces University tuition fees to stop rioting, students happy.
• UK increases corporate tax to payoff riot expenses.
• Corporations layoff thousands and then fold due to excess taxes.
• Laid off workers find their pensions are worthless.
• UK Universities dropout rate increases after student’s parents can’t afford tuition after losing job at corporations.
• Corporations to blame.
• US Teachers are underpaid.Childhood education still declining.
• Mark Zuckerberg develops new online school called SchoolBook.
• Study finds children no longer want to be Astronauts because the average salary is $73,000.  Instead, children want to clean up after their parents.  I mean… clean up the planet and become a New York City Sanitation because, after 5 years, make around $100,000 (including bonuses).  No college degree is required and it’s a job that’s high in demand.
• Haters, yes I just wrote haters, practice their Dr. Evil laugh while watching US domestic disputes and plan their sneak attacks from their secret lairs.
• Eva Longoria cougars Justin Beiber.  Beiber tops the charts for 16 weeks with a smash hit titled “Belong.”  BeLong becomes the couple’s nickname.
• Tech websites report the Internet has now officially reached hula hoop status.  It is no longer a fad.
• FDA requires drug manufacturers to add new side effect on all ADHD medication…conspiracy theories.
• Revolutionary diet book hits NY Times top ten list claiming eating in moderation & exercise promotes weight loss.
• 2011 has the mildest summer, hottest summer, coldest winter, warmest winter and worst year in…shark attacks & hurricanes.
• All WikiLeaks documents are released.  The documents reveal that humans made deals, partied, manipulated, stretched the truth, lied, talked smack and anyone who has a problem with it is most likely perfect.  Also revealed…Perez Hilton received money for talking trash.
• Warren Buffett, Lawrence Ellison, Bill Gates and the Walton family (and family and family) buys the Unites States.   Steve Forbes elected President.

By the way, the domain name SchoolBook is taken.